My nightly routine.

So every night I tuck my babes into bed, sit down in the small space between their tiny body’s and the edge of the bed and sing. I have always hated my voice, or what I thought it sounded like. Never once did I sing louder than a whisper around anyone until I watched the movie pitch perfect. I had the cup song stuck in my head for weeks! Slowly I started singing it aloud, and the kids loved it. I decided to step out of my comfort zone and sing to them each night. It slowly started becoming more comfortable to sing aloud…. I credit this to children’s ability to give unconditional love and admiration. The babes didn’t care what I sounded like, they were simply happy to hear my voice and have my attention.

As the weeks went on we added new songs: wake me up by Avicii and what I wouldn’t do by Serena rider. Each song had a message that I love, that I want the kids to hear and think about as they dream.

So my evening routine now consists of 3 songs… Which I have to sing twice because otherwise it’s not fair! Haha

I spend my quiet time as the kids sleep catching up on dishes, or laundry. Then I usually relax on the couch with my book and a glass of wine. It’s nice to have the quiet, the time to kick my feet up and be a little selfish.

The last thing I do before I crawl into bed is to observe the obscure way my children move out from underneath the covers and into the weirdest sleeping positions! I love the feeling of watching them sleep, knowing that the time I spent singing them a song had comforted them, made them feel safe and hopefully given them reasons to dream.

Now it’s my turn to find my way into an obscure sleeping position! Tomorrow is a new day, I am so very excited for what the future holds, for the three of us.

Here is what I observed tonight.. Vienna somehow managed to take the sheets off her bed… And Landen at one point was in pajamas… Now he is in clothes…they are so weird!! Haha

Till my next post

Alyssa

A year of change

This past year has been one of sadness, grief, change, growth, disappointment and the realization that there is so much more to be expected from life…

It’s been over a year since my last post. I have many blogs written but could not find the strength to post and share with the world. This year has been a tough one.

I plan on posting everything I have written over the past year, but all in good time.

I guess the main goal in writing this post is to express how much I have changed as a woman, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a young and recently single mother.

What a scary and empowering word SINGLE MOTHER. Now alone in raising my two incredible children is an uneasy feeling. Their health, childcare, school, financial decisions and mental well being rest solely on me. I guess my biggest worry is where do I fit into that equation.

The past 3 months I have felt so selfish. Working 3 jobs just to avoid dealing with falling out of love, avoid dealing with the fact I have been emotionally and mentally abused and the feeling of embarrassment that I let it happen. I felt a sense of independence, that I was finally being recognized for my hard work. I made new friends; both male and female ( which I was never allowed to do… Well I could but it wasn’t worth the fight). People who enjoyed my humor, who found me approachable, interesting and intelligent. I was payed for the work I did, recognized for going above and beyond at my job. It is an incredible feeling after 7 years of no recognition.

Now my greatest question is: How does a mother focus on herself without feeling a pang of selfishness?
When I need time to myself I feel guilty for asking someone else to take care of them. When I am so tired I don’t feel like singing a bedtime song or reading a story. When I didn’t have time to go grocery shopping for the 3rd day in a row and delivery pizza is on the menu again. So many things on my plate at once, trying to find balance and not feel guilty is nearly impossible.

Being a mother and wife is such a thankless job, or at least it was in my relationship. I cooked, cleaned, ran errands, made phone calls, rubbed backs during the flu, fought head lice, packed lunches, pickup and drop off at school, homework, teaching two children another language and struggling through a detrimental relationship that nearly destroyed who I was. And the hardest part, dealing with my mother being diagnosed with cancer, and I did this all alone.

But incredibly, I made it out slightly bruised. Nothing time and self reflection won’t fix.

I hung on to what I thought was love for 10 years…. Until I woke up one morning and realized this was never the life I envisioned for myself. I imagined having a career, being married to a man who put me above all others, who respected and adored me. A man who encouraged me to be better, who without trying made me better. Not one who controlled, demeaned, and unappreciated me. I spent so long trying to keep him happy, I forgot I needed to be happy too.

The last 5 months it has literally felt as though I have found my way out of a fog…. A fog I was walking around in with a covering over my eyes, my ears, my heart.

I have grown into this woman who knows what she wants from life. Grown into a woman who is so overwhelmingly proud of the two humans she had created. Landen opens doors for others, offers to pay when we are out, gives compliments, feels empathy and love for others and animals. Vienna is strong and has a will I could only dream of having. She is loving,playful and hilarious. I made them, I formed them from cells, sustained life in my own and raised them to be incredible human beings.
I have grown into a woman who loves her body (most of the time), who jokes, laughs, plays, dances, SINGS (that is correct, I have stepped out of my comfort zone) and listens. To a friend, sister and daughter who can be trusted and counted on, who can give advice or just say nothing at all. And this is just the beginning. This is just a small amount of light shining from me. As I chip away at the shell I’ve been hiding in, I am so excited to see how bright I can truly shine.

So… The next few months will be a struggle. A new home, balancing jobs, and school. Finding a lawyer, filling out paperwork and trying to keep my pending divorce as civil as I can. But I know… I am certain.. That the people who have recently entered my life have given me this incredible strength to get through it all. I am so very blessed.

I apologize for the scattered post, I promise when I post my saved drafts, this one will have much more clarity… Plus I am a little rusty at blogging haha

I will leave you with the song that has been played on repeat…

brave by Sara Bareilles

Till my next post

Alyssa