I called my mother last week to update her on the latest quotes I gathered from conversations with the kids, how my new job was going and to get an update on how she was feeling after her latest chemo treatment.
“How are you, dear?” She asked with her always genuinely inquisitive tone.
“I’m great Mumsy, but I have anxiety” I replied hesitantly, attempting to avoid triggering any motherly worry that doesn’t go away even when your child has children, and is 28 years old.
“Why? Is something going on? What’s wrong?”
And at that point I realized, nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong. For the first time, in 10 years, everything was just as it should be (other than my ex having a baby with a woman he’s no longer with… But that’s another post) I have a stable job, one that allows me to pick the kids up at a decent time from daycare, be off on Friday at 430 and have the entire weekend to do what ever I please, a boyfriend whom although we just started dating makes me feel incredibly happy and lucky.
So why on earth am I anxious?
A good example to use is someone who is struggling with debt and then is lucky enough to win the lottery. The majority of the time, within a short period of time, this person will find themselves back in debt; this time with guilt and frustration that they allowed themselves to fall back into the same bad habits. We are creatures of habit. Our brains and chemical makeups adapt to our situations and surroundings to protect us, to keep us alive. When you are in a constant state of panic and stress your body adapts, becoming accustomed to the feeling. This causes us to end up back where we started because that is where we are comfortable, in a state of panic; which is ironic since you would think that would be the reason for anxiety. The term “breaking the cycle” is so very true.
The anxiety that comes with being in a place of “normalcy” (whatever normal may mean to each person varies) is to be expected. The key is to acknowledge this anxiety and realize that it is temporary. The hard part is not giving in and placing yourself back on the same path you started on.
Now for the title of this blog. A main source of my anxiety, I realized is avoiding heartbreak. A part of what I have always felt my normal would be considered is to have a consistent routine, a stable job, well behaved children and a healthy, mutually loving and giving relationship. Now that last part… Relationship. There is nothing more terrifying and confusing than a new relationship when you have children. I keep telling myself to relax, take a deep breath and let things fall into place. But every so often that little voice in my head says “brace yourself, you are about to have your heart broken”. Is this because of what I was referring to earlier; my mind reverting back to what I’m used to? Am I going to be my own demise in this relationship because I’m already expecting failure?.
My main goal is to break this cycle and to remind myself that I deserve to be happy and loved. That the man I chose to have in my life, in my children’s lives is just as lucky as I am to have them in mine. And maybe, heart break will have to avoid me.
Alyssa's MOMoirs 