And then there was you….

As I sit here typing, the bright light from the gleaming white cafeteria table shinning in my eyes and the loud buzz of families chatting over their quick meals, I replay in my mind how incredibly lucky I am to have you. It’s no Paris moonlight, or romantic downtown dinner for two; we are in ikea….. And I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. True, real life romance.

You walk away with my two prized treasures, and I watch as Vienna reaches up and grasps your hand; as if you had been doing it all her little life, you grasp back without hesitation and my heart melts.  Vienna can be difficult, demanding, attention seeking and strong willed, but this doesn’t make you waver or hesitate. I’m grateful for that; as many a time I have struggled with these traits that will make her into the strong, independent woman I hope to raise her to be. And with that thought I am reminded that she has an amazing man who has, in such a short time, given her a true example of how a man should be and how she should expect to be treated.

You patiently wait in line, probably, without a doubt answering an array of endless questions as I have done, many times, in many different line ups. Watching from a fair distance I am in awe of how you place your hand on Landens little back and shuffle him forward in line gently…. And without argument or resistance he responds and looks up at you with a smile. He probably responded with “Squirel!!!!” Special emphasis on the “urrrrl” sound you both have so eloquently perfected when yelling this word. Or maybe he began to ask you what you were eating… So he could contemplate getting the exact same thing as you (hold the mushrooms and tomatoes).

I find myself doing this more and more, observing how you interact with them and how they respond in return…. Almost as if you have this connection that I don’t. From teaching them poker to increase Landen’s math skills to setting up a store with Vienna’s ikea laundry hamper (that you bought her while I was at work) and playing shop with plastic golden pirate coins. You have worn her pink pants that wouldn’t go further up than your calves just because she told you they wouldn’t fit. You have provoked Landen into a 15 minute long fit of laughter by making shadow puppets on the wall, have driven him to the store to buy goalie gear even though he wasn’t quite sure he even wanted to play goalie and then spent numerous hours shooting that worn orange hockey ball at him over and over again. Your hand was the first to reach up high in response to the coaches request for a volunteer on the bench and the first person Landen searched for with a grin on his face after winning his first game of the season.

When you walk through the door, after a long day of work and are exhausted you still go spend a moment with each of them to say goodnight. When they are not home you miss them and ask when they will be coming back.

Not only are you patient with them, you are exactly the same with me. I have always been rushed. Never felt I had the time to do my hair or makeup before going out, and I was always responsible for rounding up the kids and making sure everything was done. You didn’t sigh when I thought I left the oven on before our trip to the lake. Or get irritated when I forgot to buy dish soap or when I asked you to come grocery shopping with the kids and I because I couldn’t bare to go alone…. Not with those damn candy sections at the cash register. You clean the counters and sink. Do dishes and wash the floor. And yes…. These are normal things that everyone should expect in their relationship; the difference is, most women aren’t grateful for them, and they should be.  I am thankful for the little things you do.

I have gone years believing that someone like you didn’t exist, or you did but some other lucky woman would have already won that lottery. You are funny, generous, intelligent, kind, hardworking, passionate, gentle…. Quiet, sometimes too quiet (haha), handsome and quite a few more words in that subject.
You laugh at my stupid jokes, try to figure out my riddle of the day and even share it at work. You compliment me at just the right time, when I need to hear it the most.

You are the man who talks to a dragon fly you found in our house as you walk it outside to set it free, the man who avoids conflict even when you should be treated differently, the man who playfully blurs my vision by putting tape on my glasses and then giggles uncontrollably as I reach out my arms in an attempt to find you. You join in when I’m being goofy, hug me when I need hugging, and love me unconditionally.

You have exceeded all my expectations of what I had hoped to find…..

And how lucky am I that you have found me.
I love you.

 

Avoiding heartbreak.

I called my mother last week to update her on the latest quotes I gathered from conversations with the kids, how my new job was going and to get an update on how she was feeling after her latest chemo treatment.
“How are you, dear?” She asked with her always genuinely inquisitive tone.
“I’m great Mumsy, but I have anxiety” I replied hesitantly, attempting to avoid triggering any motherly worry that doesn’t go away even when your child has children, and is 28 years old.

“Why? Is something going on? What’s wrong?”

And at that point I realized, nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong. For the first time, in 10 years, everything was just as it should be (other than my ex having a baby with a woman he’s no longer with… But that’s another post) I have a stable job, one that allows me to pick the kids up at a decent time from daycare, be off on Friday at 430 and have the entire weekend to do what ever I please, a boyfriend whom although we just started dating makes me feel incredibly happy and lucky.
So why on earth am I anxious?
A good example to use is someone who is struggling with debt and then is lucky enough to win the lottery. The majority of the time, within a short period of time, this person will find themselves back in debt; this time with guilt and frustration that they allowed themselves to fall back into the same bad habits. We are creatures of habit. Our brains and chemical makeups adapt to our situations and surroundings to protect us, to keep us alive. When you are in a constant state of panic and stress your body adapts, becoming accustomed to the feeling. This causes us to end up back where we started because that is where we are comfortable, in a state of panic; which is ironic since you would think that would be the reason for anxiety. The term “breaking the cycle” is so very true.

The anxiety that comes with being in a place of “normalcy” (whatever normal may mean to each person varies) is to be expected. The key is to acknowledge this anxiety and realize that it is temporary. The hard part is not giving in and placing yourself back on the same path you started on.

Now for the title of this blog. A main source of my anxiety, I realized is avoiding heartbreak. A part of what I have always felt my normal would be considered is to have a consistent routine, a stable job, well behaved children and a healthy, mutually loving and giving relationship. Now that last part… Relationship. There is nothing more terrifying and confusing than a new relationship when you have children. I keep telling myself to relax, take a deep breath and let things fall into place. But every so often that little voice in my head says “brace yourself, you are about to have your heart broken”. Is this because of what I was referring to earlier; my mind reverting back to what I’m used to? Am I going to be my own demise in this relationship because I’m already expecting failure?.
My main goal is to break this cycle and to remind myself that I deserve to be happy and loved. That the man I chose to have in my life, in my children’s lives is just as lucky as I am to have them in mine. And maybe, heart break will have to avoid me.