I’ve never been one to enjoy being alone. I am not sure if it’s due to my upbringing, always around my family, friends or playing sports. But I have found in the last few years being alone has been something I get incredibly uncomfortable with.
The moment I am left alone i begin to have anxiety. I cannot stick to one task and feel the need to be in constant contact with someone. Is this due to insecurity? Is it because my I am left alone with my thoughts and they are not always the most positive?
Today was a great morning, I slept in beside Kayle, he went home to get ready and I was left to get ready, in that moment I was fine, happy to jump in the shower with some music playing, do my makeup and hair. As soon as I was no longer occupied with this task I began to wonder if he was taking his time because he needed space, or that maybe he would have rather spent his day off doing something else. But he arrived and I was back to feeling like my normal self. Why is that? why am I dependent on being around someone to make me feel calm and secure. Obviously it’s something I need to work on and I am well aware of this, but where do I begin.
Shopping with Kayle was fun, but I had a flood of emotions come back when i remembered what it was like shopping with my ex husband. Always rushed, never encouraged to try something on, and I never was able to spend any money on myself, so thus began my anxiety again. I bought a watch and my anxiety faded, I was happy with my purchase and reassured myself that it’s okay to spend some money on me once and a while.
Then we drove back. And he pulled up to my house and said “I’m going to go get my hair cut, I’ll be back in a bit” and again…. I felt a wave of emotion. Why didn’t he want me to come with him? He works so much and I work so much, it’s not often we get time with each other, without the kids. I honestly don’t care if he needs time to himself, everyone (except me apparently) does. But I suppose it was the act of no communication. I need him to be transparent with me, fully open and honest. But then my mind switches back, to a more reasonable state. Is he just so comfortable with us, is he so content knowing I am the one he sees his future with that he doesn’t feel the need to be with me all the time? Again, something I wish he would communicate with me.
Now on the other hand. I really don’t want to come off as one of those crazy obsessive/ possessive girls with this post. I have had a lot of past hurt; and a lot more time left wondering where I stand, and even more time feeling like it was something that was wrong with me. Referring back to my past post about working through old habits and not continuing a destructive cycle… I think maybe I just need to take a deep breath and focus on enjoying time to myself. To be confident in myself, and my worth. It’s a constant struggle after so many years of never feeling good enough. I AM good enough to deserve love. I just need to love myself, love being with just myself. I think if I master that, everything will fall into place.
Alyssa's MOMoirs 