The Talk. Acceptance and letting go.

It’s happening. That moment when you realize your children are now venturing out of their naive innocence; closer towards their own independence, away from you.

“Mom, we are having the puberty talk at school”. He nervously states from his perch on the stairs, hands clasped together between his knees which are opening and slamming shut in rhythmic succession resulting in an awkward, yet humorous slow clap.

Oh god are the only two words I could formulate in the super highway that is now my mind; fight or flight mode in full swing.

“Oh…Do you want to talk about it?” I articulate as water cascades off of the plate that has been rinsed for the 4th time and onto the counter creating a perfect distraction; anything to avoid any sort of long lasting eye contact with my son.

Over the last few inquisitive years, I have managed to maneuver my way around such conversations; being as vaguely informative as I could. Using terms like “mixing DNA together to make a baby” I have made the conversation one that does not give them too much information for their small, innocent consciousness to process, but enough to expand their minds in preparation for more information in the future.

Yesterday was this day. The day I had to sit down with my son, a medical dictionary (which was my first ever chapters purchase at his exact age) and mascaraed as a parent who was fully prepared to explain the female and male anatomy. My first struggle was how much was too much for my 9, soon to be, 10 year old son. Playground chatter and giggles I am sure, have hit his ears like waves. How much has he already learned? How much of this is true, accurate, healthy information?

I decided, best to start with the basics. I asked if he knew the difference between girl parts and boy parts, and their proper names. He snickered; I almost gave myself a paper-cut turning the page to a side cutout of our lower extremities. Through his giggles he formed the sound a “P” would make, paused, and completed the word uncomfortably “Enis”. As the word escaped his mouth he began to giggle with an akwardness that made me realize that this was another one of those teaching opportunities I am so often graced with. “That’s right” I responded “but it’s not a word you should be ashamed to say. Could you imagine how one of your friends, or a girl who’s going through this would feel if they saw everyone giggling?” He’s body language softened and he showed signs of remorse as his little mind processed what I was asking. “Not very good about themselves mom”.

We then went over names of other parts, using proper medical terminology. If I could give any advice to parents going through this; use a medical book. The photo I used was a side cut out (sounds gruesome I know) but it made the process less likely to invoke laughter; it was scientific and will hopefully encourage him to understand the inner workings of the body rather than an external photo that he would compare himself to. I then hesitantly flipped the page to a diagram of a uterus without child and one with to explain what happens to women every month when they are not expecting a baby, why this happens, and how a baby survives in the womb. Now, the reason  I was hesitant was because I was expecting the next question to be “how did the baby get there?” And I was unsure if I was ready for that yet. The question didn’t come, so I took a big deep breath, and I asked him if he would like a book to read on this subject or if he would like me to explain it to him. He (relieved) agreed he would like to learn on his own and ask me questions after.

He gave me a two armed, wrap around and squeeze hug before he thumped off in his usual goofy boy manner up the stairs and into bed.

I was left with my thoughts. “Did I do that right? Was I too detailed? Not enough?”.  My next thought was, as feelings of sadness and pride conflicted in my chest, when did this happen? When did he go from his Lightning McQueen obsession to asking questions about body hair and man voices? It all happens so fast, and it’s going to continue to happen quicker and quicker. And I began to realize, this was more of a learning experience for myself. I began our conversation incredibly uncomfortable (which triggered a pang of guilt and to reflect on myself). How could I possibly be a successful parent if I am not courageous in these moments. How will I encourage them to talk to me about issues they may be having openly and honestly if they view me as someone who gets uneasy. I grew from this experience; as I do with most of my parenting endeavors.

My goal is to have a relationship with my children that condones communication. That encourages positive body image and acceptance of others. To have them disprove incorrect information and be leaders with their friends and acquaintances. I feel like this step; this massive step in our relationship is one that opens doors that in a lot of adolescents lives have been padlocked shut.

They are still so young, and there is so much more I am going to have to teach them. But if I accept this inevitability with grace and delicacy; letting go, when the time comes, will not be as difficult, as I will have confidence in how I have built them up to be healthy, intelligent teenagers and eventually adults.

Like, dem words doe. The demise of the english language

I truly believe the malignancy ( ma·lig·nan·cy  / noun:  very dangerous or harmful in influence or effect) that has begun to chip away at our society commenced with the calamitous (ca·lam·i·tous / adjective: catastrophic; disastrous.) movement of abbreviation.

Having a conversation with someone can be incredibly painful when every other word is “Like” and there is constant use of lazy abbreviations of words. A perfect example: Incredible “my lunch was like, so increds today. Did you see that episode of real housewives? That house doe!”. It pained me to write that last sentence.

There is no passion in discussion anymore. No love of communication. The days in which the word Mellifluous ( adjective: A sound that is sweet and smooth; pleasing to hear) and Disheartened ( Verb: cause (someone) to lose determination or confidence.) are lost, akin to the romancing sound of a Shakespearean sonnet.

We are now more inclined to spend our free time, glued to the television or I pad, numbing ourselves with the endless selection of reality TV shows. It’s no wonder our knowledge of language has flown right out the window, along with respect and work ethic (trust me… I’ll be touching on this subject in another blog). No longer are we more enthused to fill our time flipping page after page of our favorite book; engulfing the deep recesses of our minds with images formed by deep, meaningful words. Gone are the times we had our friends over for dinner; spending long nights laughing and conversing about past stories, current events and future plans. A bright blue and white thumbs up is now what our communication consists of (oh but wait!… now you can do a love, smiley, sad, angry and shocked face.. we’ve progressed!!)

Now hold back your pitch forks and burning brooms, my intent is not to be a hypocrite. I do after all post my blog on social media and spend a little amount of time perusing Facebook, liking and sharing peoples posts. I also have an extensive book collection which I have currently read 60% of, and learn a new word every day; and avoid reality tv and well anything that isn’t the discovery channel as if it were the plague.

Language defines us. It moves us. It breaks down barriers. For example; instead of responding to someone’s funny message with “I actually found that to be incredibly humorous, I enjoy when you say things that make me laugh” we write back: LOL.

Look at how impactful the first method is; it included acknowledgement, the receiver was complimented and it left room for a returned response which would in turn continue a conversation. “LOL” is dismissive, cold, emotionless.

Language has power, and we are becoming weaker and weaker. It is borderline embarrassing; a man running for president uses his words to assure his voters that there is nothing wrong with the size of his cock (pardon my French). And a prime minister who includes the word “UM” after every 2nd pre scripted sentence in his speach as he flicks his dark flowing locks and smiles with 2 pandas craddled in his arms.

Words and their power; words can change the world; or simply our own seemingly insignificant existence on this planet. Words can dig someone out of the trenches saving their lives, they can break someone or build them up to do something great. Words can envelope the love of your life and allow them to understand the depths of your affection, your needs, hopes and desires.

We need to revive and resuscitate the English language; the art of communication.  First step is to ban trashy celebrity magazines (which by the way, infuriates me to think they stock such things at places like chapters). Second: Cancel the Kardashians and every desperate housewife reality TV show and invest in the distribution of dictionaries and thesaurus’s (Thesauri?).

We need to reinstate the importance of how we are portrayed, as humans, when we communicate effectively and beautifully with words that move us and speak to our souls. If not, we may as well keep reverting back to the time we grunted and pointed at objects to communicate.

Hey you! Retail public! [A message from a car salesmans spouse]

The feeling of the cool spring air brushing past your face as you drive down the smooth ash-vault path; foot steadily on the gas pedal pressing you closer into your seat. The long red dial ticking clockwise as the roar of the motor envelops your ears. The crisp smell of fresh fabric and newly fabricated leather paneling. The excitement you get when the color, options and sparkling set of rims are calling out to you; the perfect new ride.

This is all a part of this experience we called…. Buying a new vehicle!

Now. Maybe this is not the feeling you get when YOU are buying a new car. Maybe it’s as simple as you need an update from your old vehicle, your current one is no longer safe, or large enough for your growing family. Or maybe, you do feel this way and you are excited about your car buying experience…Maybe you have a passion for every detail that has been thought out and put into making your future purchase one to turn heads.

For some, buying a car is daunting; terrifying if you will. The image of a middle aged, overweight, pushy, partially unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt wearing, guy named Morty, is often what pops into a lot of consumers heads when they think of a car salesman. I can guarantee you…. this is something you see in a late 1980’s movie depicting a “typical” car salesman; and may possibly be accurate for 2% of the sales population. Another interesting stereotype is that ALL salesman in the automotive industry are liars and will try and take advantage of you in your excited car buying frenzied state. Well, yes…. There are (unfortunately) some who, do infact, try and overcharge or make more money on a sale than what is reasonably fair. But that’s like saying all mothers should be banned from giving their children cold medicine because a small group of incompetent parents used it as a tool to get them to sleep (this is an actual example that happened… but yes we still have access to cold medication). Why? Because not all parents are the same. Neither are doctors, lawyers, McDonald’s counter staff members and salesman, to name a few examples. Educate yourselves… You’ll see what I’m talking about.

Now, for my point of view. I love my passionate, enthusiastic, charger driving, car magazine buying, talk for 2 hours before bed about new products on the market automotive salesman of a boyfriend. Now this is a man who is truly passionate about what he does; what he sells. Countless evenings I have listened to the low rumbling sound of an engine bellowing from youtube and the marvelous child like giggle he gets when the driver presses down on the gas pedal and the sharp sputter and whip of the exhaust hits you deep in your chest. Our grocery list includes the latest edition of motor trend as do birthday and Christmas wish lists. He is not alone in this feeling. Many people who have chosen this career too, genuinely LOVE cars. But slowly, I am seeing his light fade; his excitement to go to work waiver. This is not because of the products he sells. It has nothing to do with his coworkers, or management. Not because of his hours, or pay (which BTW to all you consumers out there…. Car salesmen Do Not make a dime if they do not sell… which equates to many unpaid hours spent at work).

What is the reason you ask?  Well… It’s because of you. Retail public. Consumers. Those of you who have no concept of keeping or canceling an appointment. No respect for others time or effort. Those of you who lack communication skills and the capability to be honest about what you are looking for, your commitment to buying, and your financial situation. Don’t get me wrong, a part of their job is to give you their time and attention to help you buy the right vehicle, one that you will be excited about, one that you can financially handle. But if you find yourself being described in any of the above statements, then you have no business stepping foot in a dealership unless you clearly state: ” I am not buying today, or anytime soon, thank you”.

A few other reasons you should not be stepping into a dealership:

-You owe large sums of money to debt collectors or are not up to date on your child support.

-You have claimed bankruptcy in the last 3 years, or had a vehicle repossessed in the last year; especially not  in the last 2 months! (yes this has happened)

-You just want to sit in the new Charger Hellcat that is on display in the show room.

-You want to test drive a car with no intention of buying.

-They offer great tasting coffee, their balloons are keeping your kids occupied and it’s raining out.

– You want to know the value of your trade in before even looking at a new car; and the trade in isn’t even yours, it’s your moms.

-You are looking to buy next year. But want a full and detailed descriptions of what’s available on the lot now.

I do realize that our views of things differentiate due to our individual perception. Our brains forming ideas and opinions based on our surroundings, experiences and stories from other people’s view. So I apologize for my previous rant. But there’s a perspective you don’t get to see. And from a commission sales point of view, life, in this industry can be incredibly stressful. You are fully depending on the public to be able to pay your bills and take care of your family. This business can be incredibly lucrative, with hard work, time and determination. But again, with dependence on the public. I suppose my whole point in writing this is to hit these key points:

1. Your time is not just your time.

2. We humans have not developed the ability to read minds. Be honest. It’s disappointing when a sales person is expecting a sale (sometimes putting off other customers for you, and possibly losing another sale) and then you really weren’t interested or we’re hiding some financial problems to the very end hoping it won’t be noticed. BTW: you are applying for a loan! Of course your credit will come into account! Be aware of your financial status! Not just for the salesman’s well being but for the rest of society.

3. He or She has other places they would like to be; their children’s hockey games or school concerts. Family events, holidays etc. be prompt and on time!

4. Don’t ask for more than what you are willing to pay for. They need to keep their lights on too… They are after all running a business. If you want leather seats and navigation… You are going to have to pay more. You don’t go to Walmart and negotiate on the price of a BBQ! Then ask them to throw in the BBQ sauce and tool set for free! You’re lucky they can make things work for your budget the best they can.

5. If you are shopping around, just say it. It will waste less of your time and your salesman. They are most likely wanting to keep your sale and will work to get you the best price they can. And hey, if a guy has spent a ton of time on you, and you do go look at prices somewhere else, let him know. It’s common courtesy. And you never know, maybe there’s something else they could do for you? Either way. Be respectful.

6. Other dealerships will always give you more for your trade to win you over. They just hide the cost in your final numbers. Be aware of this. Be aware of what you are paying for, read everything before you sign, and ask for a breakdown.
So to sum this up, please take this post to heart. Have fun buying your new car, but keep in mind, the person you are dealing with is also a human, with goals and bills to pay. Not only will this make a way better experience for you, you will gain a salesman you can trust and depend on to provide you with a vehicle that isn’t going to put you in the hole. They work hard to gain repeat business and referrals, it’s how commission sales works!

 

Learning to enjoy solidarity.

I’ve never been one to enjoy being alone.  I am not sure if it’s due to my upbringing, always around my family, friends or playing sports. But I have found in the last few years being alone has been something I get incredibly uncomfortable with.

The moment I am left alone i begin to have anxiety. I cannot stick to one task and feel the need to be in constant contact with someone. Is this due to insecurity? Is it because my I am left alone with my thoughts and they are not always the most positive?

Today was a great morning, I slept in beside Kayle, he went home to get ready and I was left to get ready, in that moment I was fine, happy to jump in the shower with some music playing, do my makeup and hair. As soon as I was no longer occupied with this task I began to wonder if he was taking his time because he needed space, or that maybe he would have rather spent his day off doing something else. But he arrived and I was back to feeling like my normal self. Why is that? why am I dependent on being around someone to make me feel calm and secure. Obviously it’s something I need to work on and I am well aware of this, but where do I begin.

Shopping with Kayle was fun, but I had a flood of emotions come back when i remembered what it was like shopping with my ex husband. Always rushed, never encouraged to try something on, and I never was able to spend any money on myself, so thus began my anxiety again. I bought a watch and my anxiety faded, I was happy with my purchase and reassured myself that it’s okay to spend some money on me once and a while.

Then we drove back. And he pulled up to my house and said “I’m going to go get my hair cut, I’ll be back in a bit” and again…. I felt a wave of emotion. Why didn’t he want me to come with him? He works so much and I work so much, it’s not often we get time with each other, without the kids. I honestly don’t care if he needs time to himself, everyone (except me apparently) does. But I suppose it was the act of no communication. I need him to be transparent with me, fully open and honest. But then my mind switches back, to a more reasonable state. Is he just so comfortable with us, is he so content knowing I am the one he sees his future with that he doesn’t feel the need to be with me all the time? Again, something I wish he would communicate with me.

Now on the other hand. I really don’t want to come off as one of those crazy obsessive/ possessive girls with this post. I have had a lot of past hurt; and a lot more time left wondering where I stand, and even more time feeling like it was something that was wrong with me. Referring back to my past post about working through old habits and not continuing a destructive cycle… I think maybe I just need to take a deep breath and focus on enjoying time to myself. To be confident in myself, and my worth. It’s a constant struggle after so many years of never feeling good enough. I AM good enough to deserve love. I just need to love myself, love being with just myself. I think if I master that, everything will fall into place.

Products of our environment.

Place a goldfish in a small bowl… It stays small. Place a goldfish in a large pond and it will more than triple it’s size.

Us humans (for the most part) are very much the same. We are incredibly impressionable, sometimes in the best way and other times in the worst. Situate yourself around drama filled, gossiping, negative people and eventually you will be subconsciously dragged into the same perpetual motion. I see this all the time. You become comfortable in the idea that it’s normal behavior, that everyone is like this and well… You shouldn’t expect any more. A great example of this is religion but that’s an entirely separate blog post.

The opposite situation happens when you situate yourself around moral driven, successful, positive people. You gain a sense of healthy competition, positivity, and higher your standards of what you will accept and gain the strength to make the choice to move away from anything different.

The problem therein lies that more often than not, people are negative and not many people are aware of being a product of their environment. Our moral standards as a society are then dragged down.

I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this blog post.
I suppose it’s to make a point…. And my point is that we need to educate ourselves, and our future humans (yes… I’m referring to children lol) to restore the balance of negative and positive; preferably tipping more towards the positive.

Social media portrays do gooders and positive/ inspiring quotes making us feel and seem like we are a loving, positive and compassionate race …. For example the ice bucket challenge. I can guarantee that more than 70% of the ice water drenched video subjects had/ have absolutely no idea what ALS ( Lou Gehrig’s disease) is. And I doubt more than 10-15% of them actually donated money to the cause. Yes, I will admit, it was a great cause, and blew up social media. It brought awareness to this crippling disease, but it also caused people to think they are gaining some sort of karma by instagramming/ facebooking their freezing cold endeavor, giving us a very skewed view on how corrupt, demoralized and negative our society has become.

But I digress….. I suppose my purpose in writing this is to make you, the reader, think about who you surround yourself with. To make you aware of the power and strength you have to walk away from this insanity and to refuse to perpetuate this parasitic behavior. We all have a choice to steer away from anything that doesn’t move us forward in a healthy and positive way. In turn this will have a domino effect and just maybe, my faith in people, humanity will be restored.