The Talk. Acceptance and letting go.

It’s happening. That moment when you realize your children are now venturing out of their naive innocence; closer towards their own independence, away from you.

“Mom, we are having the puberty talk at school”. He nervously states from his perch on the stairs, hands clasped together between his knees which are opening and slamming shut in rhythmic succession resulting in an awkward, yet humorous slow clap.

Oh god are the only two words I could formulate in the super highway that is now my mind; fight or flight mode in full swing.

“Oh…Do you want to talk about it?” I articulate as water cascades off of the plate that has been rinsed for the 4th time and onto the counter creating a perfect distraction; anything to avoid any sort of long lasting eye contact with my son.

Over the last few inquisitive years, I have managed to maneuver my way around such conversations; being as vaguely informative as I could. Using terms like “mixing DNA together to make a baby” I have made the conversation one that does not give them too much information for their small, innocent consciousness to process, but enough to expand their minds in preparation for more information in the future.

Yesterday was this day. The day I had to sit down with my son, a medical dictionary (which was my first ever chapters purchase at his exact age) and mascaraed as a parent who was fully prepared to explain the female and male anatomy. My first struggle was how much was too much for my 9, soon to be, 10 year old son. Playground chatter and giggles I am sure, have hit his ears like waves. How much has he already learned? How much of this is true, accurate, healthy information?

I decided, best to start with the basics. I asked if he knew the difference between girl parts and boy parts, and their proper names. He snickered; I almost gave myself a paper-cut turning the page to a side cutout of our lower extremities. Through his giggles he formed the sound a “P” would make, paused, and completed the word uncomfortably “Enis”. As the word escaped his mouth he began to giggle with an akwardness that made me realize that this was another one of those teaching opportunities I am so often graced with. “That’s right” I responded “but it’s not a word you should be ashamed to say. Could you imagine how one of your friends, or a girl who’s going through this would feel if they saw everyone giggling?” He’s body language softened and he showed signs of remorse as his little mind processed what I was asking. “Not very good about themselves mom”.

We then went over names of other parts, using proper medical terminology. If I could give any advice to parents going through this; use a medical book. The photo I used was a side cut out (sounds gruesome I know) but it made the process less likely to invoke laughter; it was scientific and will hopefully encourage him to understand the inner workings of the body rather than an external photo that he would compare himself to. I then hesitantly flipped the page to a diagram of a uterus without child and one with to explain what happens to women every month when they are not expecting a baby, why this happens, and how a baby survives in the womb. Now, the reason  I was hesitant was because I was expecting the next question to be “how did the baby get there?” And I was unsure if I was ready for that yet. The question didn’t come, so I took a big deep breath, and I asked him if he would like a book to read on this subject or if he would like me to explain it to him. He (relieved) agreed he would like to learn on his own and ask me questions after.

He gave me a two armed, wrap around and squeeze hug before he thumped off in his usual goofy boy manner up the stairs and into bed.

I was left with my thoughts. “Did I do that right? Was I too detailed? Not enough?”.  My next thought was, as feelings of sadness and pride conflicted in my chest, when did this happen? When did he go from his Lightning McQueen obsession to asking questions about body hair and man voices? It all happens so fast, and it’s going to continue to happen quicker and quicker. And I began to realize, this was more of a learning experience for myself. I began our conversation incredibly uncomfortable (which triggered a pang of guilt and to reflect on myself). How could I possibly be a successful parent if I am not courageous in these moments. How will I encourage them to talk to me about issues they may be having openly and honestly if they view me as someone who gets uneasy. I grew from this experience; as I do with most of my parenting endeavors.

My goal is to have a relationship with my children that condones communication. That encourages positive body image and acceptance of others. To have them disprove incorrect information and be leaders with their friends and acquaintances. I feel like this step; this massive step in our relationship is one that opens doors that in a lot of adolescents lives have been padlocked shut.

They are still so young, and there is so much more I am going to have to teach them. But if I accept this inevitability with grace and delicacy; letting go, when the time comes, will not be as difficult, as I will have confidence in how I have built them up to be healthy, intelligent teenagers and eventually adults.

Hey you! Retail public! [A message from a car salesmans spouse]

The feeling of the cool spring air brushing past your face as you drive down the smooth ash-vault path; foot steadily on the gas pedal pressing you closer into your seat. The long red dial ticking clockwise as the roar of the motor envelops your ears. The crisp smell of fresh fabric and newly fabricated leather paneling. The excitement you get when the color, options and sparkling set of rims are calling out to you; the perfect new ride.

This is all a part of this experience we called…. Buying a new vehicle!

Now. Maybe this is not the feeling you get when YOU are buying a new car. Maybe it’s as simple as you need an update from your old vehicle, your current one is no longer safe, or large enough for your growing family. Or maybe, you do feel this way and you are excited about your car buying experience…Maybe you have a passion for every detail that has been thought out and put into making your future purchase one to turn heads.

For some, buying a car is daunting; terrifying if you will. The image of a middle aged, overweight, pushy, partially unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt wearing, guy named Morty, is often what pops into a lot of consumers heads when they think of a car salesman. I can guarantee you…. this is something you see in a late 1980’s movie depicting a “typical” car salesman; and may possibly be accurate for 2% of the sales population. Another interesting stereotype is that ALL salesman in the automotive industry are liars and will try and take advantage of you in your excited car buying frenzied state. Well, yes…. There are (unfortunately) some who, do infact, try and overcharge or make more money on a sale than what is reasonably fair. But that’s like saying all mothers should be banned from giving their children cold medicine because a small group of incompetent parents used it as a tool to get them to sleep (this is an actual example that happened… but yes we still have access to cold medication). Why? Because not all parents are the same. Neither are doctors, lawyers, McDonald’s counter staff members and salesman, to name a few examples. Educate yourselves… You’ll see what I’m talking about.

Now, for my point of view. I love my passionate, enthusiastic, charger driving, car magazine buying, talk for 2 hours before bed about new products on the market automotive salesman of a boyfriend. Now this is a man who is truly passionate about what he does; what he sells. Countless evenings I have listened to the low rumbling sound of an engine bellowing from youtube and the marvelous child like giggle he gets when the driver presses down on the gas pedal and the sharp sputter and whip of the exhaust hits you deep in your chest. Our grocery list includes the latest edition of motor trend as do birthday and Christmas wish lists. He is not alone in this feeling. Many people who have chosen this career too, genuinely LOVE cars. But slowly, I am seeing his light fade; his excitement to go to work waiver. This is not because of the products he sells. It has nothing to do with his coworkers, or management. Not because of his hours, or pay (which BTW to all you consumers out there…. Car salesmen Do Not make a dime if they do not sell… which equates to many unpaid hours spent at work).

What is the reason you ask?  Well… It’s because of you. Retail public. Consumers. Those of you who have no concept of keeping or canceling an appointment. No respect for others time or effort. Those of you who lack communication skills and the capability to be honest about what you are looking for, your commitment to buying, and your financial situation. Don’t get me wrong, a part of their job is to give you their time and attention to help you buy the right vehicle, one that you will be excited about, one that you can financially handle. But if you find yourself being described in any of the above statements, then you have no business stepping foot in a dealership unless you clearly state: ” I am not buying today, or anytime soon, thank you”.

A few other reasons you should not be stepping into a dealership:

-You owe large sums of money to debt collectors or are not up to date on your child support.

-You have claimed bankruptcy in the last 3 years, or had a vehicle repossessed in the last year; especially not  in the last 2 months! (yes this has happened)

-You just want to sit in the new Charger Hellcat that is on display in the show room.

-You want to test drive a car with no intention of buying.

-They offer great tasting coffee, their balloons are keeping your kids occupied and it’s raining out.

– You want to know the value of your trade in before even looking at a new car; and the trade in isn’t even yours, it’s your moms.

-You are looking to buy next year. But want a full and detailed descriptions of what’s available on the lot now.

I do realize that our views of things differentiate due to our individual perception. Our brains forming ideas and opinions based on our surroundings, experiences and stories from other people’s view. So I apologize for my previous rant. But there’s a perspective you don’t get to see. And from a commission sales point of view, life, in this industry can be incredibly stressful. You are fully depending on the public to be able to pay your bills and take care of your family. This business can be incredibly lucrative, with hard work, time and determination. But again, with dependence on the public. I suppose my whole point in writing this is to hit these key points:

1. Your time is not just your time.

2. We humans have not developed the ability to read minds. Be honest. It’s disappointing when a sales person is expecting a sale (sometimes putting off other customers for you, and possibly losing another sale) and then you really weren’t interested or we’re hiding some financial problems to the very end hoping it won’t be noticed. BTW: you are applying for a loan! Of course your credit will come into account! Be aware of your financial status! Not just for the salesman’s well being but for the rest of society.

3. He or She has other places they would like to be; their children’s hockey games or school concerts. Family events, holidays etc. be prompt and on time!

4. Don’t ask for more than what you are willing to pay for. They need to keep their lights on too… They are after all running a business. If you want leather seats and navigation… You are going to have to pay more. You don’t go to Walmart and negotiate on the price of a BBQ! Then ask them to throw in the BBQ sauce and tool set for free! You’re lucky they can make things work for your budget the best they can.

5. If you are shopping around, just say it. It will waste less of your time and your salesman. They are most likely wanting to keep your sale and will work to get you the best price they can. And hey, if a guy has spent a ton of time on you, and you do go look at prices somewhere else, let him know. It’s common courtesy. And you never know, maybe there’s something else they could do for you? Either way. Be respectful.

6. Other dealerships will always give you more for your trade to win you over. They just hide the cost in your final numbers. Be aware of this. Be aware of what you are paying for, read everything before you sign, and ask for a breakdown.
So to sum this up, please take this post to heart. Have fun buying your new car, but keep in mind, the person you are dealing with is also a human, with goals and bills to pay. Not only will this make a way better experience for you, you will gain a salesman you can trust and depend on to provide you with a vehicle that isn’t going to put you in the hole. They work hard to gain repeat business and referrals, it’s how commission sales works!

 

And then there was you….

As I sit here typing, the bright light from the gleaming white cafeteria table shinning in my eyes and the loud buzz of families chatting over their quick meals, I replay in my mind how incredibly lucky I am to have you. It’s no Paris moonlight, or romantic downtown dinner for two; we are in ikea….. And I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. True, real life romance.

You walk away with my two prized treasures, and I watch as Vienna reaches up and grasps your hand; as if you had been doing it all her little life, you grasp back without hesitation and my heart melts.  Vienna can be difficult, demanding, attention seeking and strong willed, but this doesn’t make you waver or hesitate. I’m grateful for that; as many a time I have struggled with these traits that will make her into the strong, independent woman I hope to raise her to be. And with that thought I am reminded that she has an amazing man who has, in such a short time, given her a true example of how a man should be and how she should expect to be treated.

You patiently wait in line, probably, without a doubt answering an array of endless questions as I have done, many times, in many different line ups. Watching from a fair distance I am in awe of how you place your hand on Landens little back and shuffle him forward in line gently…. And without argument or resistance he responds and looks up at you with a smile. He probably responded with “Squirel!!!!” Special emphasis on the “urrrrl” sound you both have so eloquently perfected when yelling this word. Or maybe he began to ask you what you were eating… So he could contemplate getting the exact same thing as you (hold the mushrooms and tomatoes).

I find myself doing this more and more, observing how you interact with them and how they respond in return…. Almost as if you have this connection that I don’t. From teaching them poker to increase Landen’s math skills to setting up a store with Vienna’s ikea laundry hamper (that you bought her while I was at work) and playing shop with plastic golden pirate coins. You have worn her pink pants that wouldn’t go further up than your calves just because she told you they wouldn’t fit. You have provoked Landen into a 15 minute long fit of laughter by making shadow puppets on the wall, have driven him to the store to buy goalie gear even though he wasn’t quite sure he even wanted to play goalie and then spent numerous hours shooting that worn orange hockey ball at him over and over again. Your hand was the first to reach up high in response to the coaches request for a volunteer on the bench and the first person Landen searched for with a grin on his face after winning his first game of the season.

When you walk through the door, after a long day of work and are exhausted you still go spend a moment with each of them to say goodnight. When they are not home you miss them and ask when they will be coming back.

Not only are you patient with them, you are exactly the same with me. I have always been rushed. Never felt I had the time to do my hair or makeup before going out, and I was always responsible for rounding up the kids and making sure everything was done. You didn’t sigh when I thought I left the oven on before our trip to the lake. Or get irritated when I forgot to buy dish soap or when I asked you to come grocery shopping with the kids and I because I couldn’t bare to go alone…. Not with those damn candy sections at the cash register. You clean the counters and sink. Do dishes and wash the floor. And yes…. These are normal things that everyone should expect in their relationship; the difference is, most women aren’t grateful for them, and they should be.  I am thankful for the little things you do.

I have gone years believing that someone like you didn’t exist, or you did but some other lucky woman would have already won that lottery. You are funny, generous, intelligent, kind, hardworking, passionate, gentle…. Quiet, sometimes too quiet (haha), handsome and quite a few more words in that subject.
You laugh at my stupid jokes, try to figure out my riddle of the day and even share it at work. You compliment me at just the right time, when I need to hear it the most.

You are the man who talks to a dragon fly you found in our house as you walk it outside to set it free, the man who avoids conflict even when you should be treated differently, the man who playfully blurs my vision by putting tape on my glasses and then giggles uncontrollably as I reach out my arms in an attempt to find you. You join in when I’m being goofy, hug me when I need hugging, and love me unconditionally.

You have exceeded all my expectations of what I had hoped to find…..

And how lucky am I that you have found me.
I love you.

 

Learning to enjoy solidarity.

I’ve never been one to enjoy being alone.  I am not sure if it’s due to my upbringing, always around my family, friends or playing sports. But I have found in the last few years being alone has been something I get incredibly uncomfortable with.

The moment I am left alone i begin to have anxiety. I cannot stick to one task and feel the need to be in constant contact with someone. Is this due to insecurity? Is it because my I am left alone with my thoughts and they are not always the most positive?

Today was a great morning, I slept in beside Kayle, he went home to get ready and I was left to get ready, in that moment I was fine, happy to jump in the shower with some music playing, do my makeup and hair. As soon as I was no longer occupied with this task I began to wonder if he was taking his time because he needed space, or that maybe he would have rather spent his day off doing something else. But he arrived and I was back to feeling like my normal self. Why is that? why am I dependent on being around someone to make me feel calm and secure. Obviously it’s something I need to work on and I am well aware of this, but where do I begin.

Shopping with Kayle was fun, but I had a flood of emotions come back when i remembered what it was like shopping with my ex husband. Always rushed, never encouraged to try something on, and I never was able to spend any money on myself, so thus began my anxiety again. I bought a watch and my anxiety faded, I was happy with my purchase and reassured myself that it’s okay to spend some money on me once and a while.

Then we drove back. And he pulled up to my house and said “I’m going to go get my hair cut, I’ll be back in a bit” and again…. I felt a wave of emotion. Why didn’t he want me to come with him? He works so much and I work so much, it’s not often we get time with each other, without the kids. I honestly don’t care if he needs time to himself, everyone (except me apparently) does. But I suppose it was the act of no communication. I need him to be transparent with me, fully open and honest. But then my mind switches back, to a more reasonable state. Is he just so comfortable with us, is he so content knowing I am the one he sees his future with that he doesn’t feel the need to be with me all the time? Again, something I wish he would communicate with me.

Now on the other hand. I really don’t want to come off as one of those crazy obsessive/ possessive girls with this post. I have had a lot of past hurt; and a lot more time left wondering where I stand, and even more time feeling like it was something that was wrong with me. Referring back to my past post about working through old habits and not continuing a destructive cycle… I think maybe I just need to take a deep breath and focus on enjoying time to myself. To be confident in myself, and my worth. It’s a constant struggle after so many years of never feeling good enough. I AM good enough to deserve love. I just need to love myself, love being with just myself. I think if I master that, everything will fall into place.

Avoiding heartbreak.

I called my mother last week to update her on the latest quotes I gathered from conversations with the kids, how my new job was going and to get an update on how she was feeling after her latest chemo treatment.
“How are you, dear?” She asked with her always genuinely inquisitive tone.
“I’m great Mumsy, but I have anxiety” I replied hesitantly, attempting to avoid triggering any motherly worry that doesn’t go away even when your child has children, and is 28 years old.

“Why? Is something going on? What’s wrong?”

And at that point I realized, nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong. For the first time, in 10 years, everything was just as it should be (other than my ex having a baby with a woman he’s no longer with… But that’s another post) I have a stable job, one that allows me to pick the kids up at a decent time from daycare, be off on Friday at 430 and have the entire weekend to do what ever I please, a boyfriend whom although we just started dating makes me feel incredibly happy and lucky.
So why on earth am I anxious?
A good example to use is someone who is struggling with debt and then is lucky enough to win the lottery. The majority of the time, within a short period of time, this person will find themselves back in debt; this time with guilt and frustration that they allowed themselves to fall back into the same bad habits. We are creatures of habit. Our brains and chemical makeups adapt to our situations and surroundings to protect us, to keep us alive. When you are in a constant state of panic and stress your body adapts, becoming accustomed to the feeling. This causes us to end up back where we started because that is where we are comfortable, in a state of panic; which is ironic since you would think that would be the reason for anxiety. The term “breaking the cycle” is so very true.

The anxiety that comes with being in a place of “normalcy” (whatever normal may mean to each person varies) is to be expected. The key is to acknowledge this anxiety and realize that it is temporary. The hard part is not giving in and placing yourself back on the same path you started on.

Now for the title of this blog. A main source of my anxiety, I realized is avoiding heartbreak. A part of what I have always felt my normal would be considered is to have a consistent routine, a stable job, well behaved children and a healthy, mutually loving and giving relationship. Now that last part… Relationship. There is nothing more terrifying and confusing than a new relationship when you have children. I keep telling myself to relax, take a deep breath and let things fall into place. But every so often that little voice in my head says “brace yourself, you are about to have your heart broken”. Is this because of what I was referring to earlier; my mind reverting back to what I’m used to? Am I going to be my own demise in this relationship because I’m already expecting failure?.
My main goal is to break this cycle and to remind myself that I deserve to be happy and loved. That the man I chose to have in my life, in my children’s lives is just as lucky as I am to have them in mine. And maybe, heart break will have to avoid me.